Caregiving is not a journey most of us choose. Often, we take the initial steps on the caregiving path thinking it's only a walk to the mailbox or a casual stroll around the lake. Soon we've walked mile after mile. Our starting point is so far behind us we can't see it anymore, and our destination is clouded by hills and valleys, bends and turns in the caregiver road. I've learned ten things (at least) on my journey. Perhaps they will benefit you as well.
Nurture yourself.
When serving as a caregiver, your own spiritual and physical health are often neglected. It's easy to justify not having a quiet time or attending worship when so much of your time is occupied with caring for someone else. But we need spiritual refreshment to get through the difficult times. Disconnecting spiritually is like depriving our thirsty souls of a life-giving drink from a crystal spring. Physical health is also often put on the back burner. We delay routine checkups and procedures and drag around exhausted from one duty to the next. Eventually, our bodies show the wear and tear. Remember to make time for you.
Find joy in the journey.
At times, it's hard to imagine any joy at all in the caregiving role, but I've discovered that some element of nature often makes me smile. Birdfeeders near my mother's room host dozens of birds and remind me that if God cares about the birds, he certainly cares about our current circumstances. An early morning time of solitude on our deck gives me the opportunity to watch the leaves rustle in a gentle breeze or the sunrise brighten the eastern sky.
Cherish the calm times.
Sometimes we get so caught up in predicting what is coming next and worrying about how to handle projected events that we fail to relish those time when things are calm. During weeks when there is no medical crisis, insurance harangue, or trips to the doctor, enjoy. Praise God for even brief periods of rest and make the most of them.
Stay in touch with friends.
It's easy to get so absorbed in the caregiving role that it consumes you. But when you fail to stay in touch with friends, you lose an important support system. Sometimes I feel I can't be "up" enough to interact with others, but a quick lunch or brisk evening walk with a friend reminds me that there is another world beyond the world of caregiving and lets me know others understand and support my situation.
Embrace nostalgia.
Often, the only thing that gets you through those days when screams of "help me" punctuate the air are remembering happier times. Humorous sayings; memorable vacations; and historic family tales help lighten the emotionally-charged events and routine necessities of the present.
Find ways to communicate with the one for whom you provide care.It's easy for caregiving to become just a set of tasks you perform without actually connecting on a deeper than surface level with the person in your care. That person may be experiencing fears or frustrations she don't feel she can voice. Ask your parent open-ended questions that allow her to talk and then don't pooh-pooh what she say as silly. Imaginary fears can isolate so help the one you care for voice fears. Sometimes just speaking the fear aloud helps diminish the intensity of it.
Vent frustrations.
Various kinds of machinery have pop off valves that prevent pressure from becoming too great inside the equipment. Hot water heaters come to mind, but there are others. These valves pop and release steam or hot water to prevent explosion or overheating. Caregivers need a pop off valve. But make sure you pop off tosomeone other than the one in your care and someone who will keep what you say in confidence. Verbal venting often calms you down enough to regain perspective and continue with renewed energy.
Accept help.
When people offer assistance, say yes. For some inexplicable reason, we often feel accepting help means we're incapable or lazy. Not true. Caregiving is a taxing job and there is no shame in accepting help from others.
Believe your current circumstances are only for a season.
Hope is an important element of the caregiving journey. We have to believe that we'll eventually reach the end of this path and move on to another, less intense phase of life. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
Thank God for your journey.
This is often extremely hard to do, but no element of our lives is wasted. Thanking God for difficult circumstances stretches our faith and acknowledges that we believe God is in control and has our best interests in mind. Thanking God during the hard times places a trusting hand in His very capable one. "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
When Your Aging Parent Needs Care: Practical Help for This Season of Life by Candy Arrington and Kim Atchley (Harvest House Publishers)
www.whenyouragingparentneedscare.com
