Dear Doctor B,
Recently my husband formed a business with a man and the business failed. We not only lost all of our savings, but now we have huge debts that we will be paying off for the rest of our lives. If I don’t get over my anger and distrust, it will destroy our marriage. I’ve prayed, but I can’t trust him. Can you help me?
Signed,
Belinda
Dear Belinda,
I hear you when you say you can’t trust your husband anymore. In a ‘natural/human sense’ I agree with you. Without God’s help it is humanly impossible to forgive or trust him. Consider the teachings of Jesus. Peter asked, “Lord how many times should I forgive someone that has offended me?” Jesus told Peter that he should be willing to keep on forgiving no matter how many times he was offended, (Matthew 18-21; Matthew 6:12-16). Consider re-phrasing your statement. Is it that you can’t or you won’t? Is your marriage worth working through these feelings? If you’re willing, God will help you. The choice is really ‘in your court’. Consider this passage on love. ‘Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him’, (I Corinthians 13:4-7,TLB). If you’re willing to forgive, God will help you. Forgiving your husband doesn’t mean that everything he did was right. Forgiving him will open the door for the both of you to learn many powerful life-lessons. As long as you hold on to your anger and distrust, your marriage is destined to failure. If the two of you are willing to work together, your marriage can be restored. Here are some other considerations for you. Gain a different perspective.
I want you to take a deep breath, set aside your personal emotions, and ask God to give you another perspective. His perspective. For instance, have you considered the fact that God is concerned about your loss, (See Isaiah 63:9; Psalms 31:7,8). He wants you and your husband to succeed (Jeremiah 29:11), but our choices have consequences. There are times when we believe that our plans are basically sound, but for some reason or another they do not end up the way we wanted them to. It’s humanly impossible to take out the risk. There are those times when uncontrollable factors can disrupt our plans. Life is filled with risks. When life’s disappointments happen, we need to trust God and draw from His strength. In one way or another He will see us through, (Romans 8:28-29). This is not to say that everything that occurs in our lives is God’s Will. Quite the contrary! God weeps when we weep. He rejoices with us when we rejoice. There’s something else I want you to think about. What about your husband’s feelings?
Have you taken the time to reflect on how this loss has impacted him? You’re not the only who is hurting here. He’s disappointed, ashamed, hurt, and perhaps angry too. You need to take the lead here in bringing healing to your marriage. You are his friend and partner. You have a God-given responsibility to come-along-side him and comfort and pray with him. Only you, with God’s help, can bring him hope, understanding, and acceptance. Ask God to give you the strength to love him; and let him know that together things will get better. The both of you need to stand side-by-side when situations like this occur in your marriage. You will be amazed how much better things will become if you are willing to take God’s perspective and minister to your husband. This is what I mean by getting God’s perspective.
All is not lost. Your marriage can survive this test. A common trait of strong marriages is one, which has gone through failures. Having a failure in a marriage can either be a stepping-stone or a stumbling block. Remember it isn’t focusing on the failure as much as it is making godly and loving responses to it! Your marriage will become stronger when you two love God and support one another.
Belinda, I strongly suggest that you and your husband obtain Christian counseling. All of us need someone to take us by the hand and lead us through difficult times.
Sincerely,
Dr. B
If you have a practical life question that you would like to ask Dr. B. you may email him at: askdoctorb@ gmail.com. You may write Dr. B. at: Ask Dr. B., 117 Granberry Street, Humble, Texas 77338. All questions become the property of Ask Dr. B and may not be reproduced without written permission. The identity of the person submitting a question for Dr. B. is protected. If this column has been an encouragement, email Dr. B your testimony. Disclaimer: Any action taken in light of this column is solely the responsibility of the reader and is not to be considered professional counsel or advice. For more additional columns see: www/buddyhicks.org.
