Dear Dr. B,

I feel like I have been a failure as a father. One of my daughters has totally rejected me. Our other children have never caused my wife or me any trouble. They are serving God and are well behaved. The one daughter, however, says she hates us. She has gotten into drugs, drinking, and no telling what else! She blames me for her unhappiness. Where have I failed her?

Signed,

Phil

Dear Phil,

Every parent has made some pretty stupid mistakes in rearing their children. It is sad, but not uncommon for a family to have one of their children behaving as your daughter. Recently a brother and sister were faced with a very hurtful experience. Their father, who was the president of a company, embezzled a great sum of money from that company. His actions were reported in the local newspapers and other news outlets. The family was mortified by what he had done. Amazingly, the daughter chose to forgive her father and stick with him through it all. The son, however, became angry and took out his anger in reckless behavior. Over the years he spent more time in prison than he spent as a free man. No one can explain why the daughter chose to serve God and forgive her father, while the son was unwilling to forgive! Don’t forget, choices have consequences. The Bible is very clear concerning personal responsibility for our choices. A very wise man named Joshua gathered the tribes of Israel together and told them to choose which god they would serve. He concluded by telling them, ‘...but as for me and my household, we will serve the living God.’ This is a clear example of the power of choice. Every man can choose the type of lifestyle he wants, without any external or internal influences. While your daughter was impacted by her environment, she has chosen not to forgive you and to blame you for all of her misery.

Take a look at the book of Ezekiel, chapter 18. This is another example of the freedom of personal choice and personal responsibility of that choice. This chapter states clearly that a son or daughter might choose to be a rebel even though his or her parents are godly. In today’s society it is considered ‘politically correct’ to blame the lawbreaker’s environment rather than hold him or her accountable. Your daughter is free to blame anyone she wishes for her irresponsible behavior. The bottom line is, however, she has chosen to be the person she has become regardless of her environment.

It is very common for a child to become angry with a parent only to discover later in life that he or she had drawn conclusions that were not based on the facts. This may be your daughter’s problem. There are many wonderful parents who have loved all of their children in the same manner, only to have one of them choose to rebel. Did the parents make mistakes? Of course they did. A noted minister and author noted in one of his books on parenting that a person should be careful when blaming parents for the rebellion of their children. He concluded that regardless of the failures of the parents, a child is personally responsible for his or her own choices. In your case, Phil, you may not have done anything wrong at all. Your daughter could have responded to your ‘fathering’ in an entirely different way. Pray for future, quality-times with your daughter where you can express your love for her. When the opportunity presents itself, be quick to humble yourself and ask her to forgive you. If you know of anything that you have done that might have offended her, tell her you are sorry. If you are unaware of an offense, ask her to share with you how you may have offended her. Stay calm and at all costs don’t be condemning. A wise man once wrote, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). If you can’t arrange a face to face meeting, then write her a letter. She knows full well what she has done. Pray and trust God for your daughter’s inner healing. You can be assured that God is more concerned about her lifestyle than you are. She will not receive God’s forgiveness until she is willing to forgive you. Keep the ‘door’ of your heart open to her. It may take some time before you will notice any change. Ask God for patience. She will test you along the way to see if you really mean what you tell her. A good book for you to read and perhaps share with your daughter is Bad Childhood, Happy Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Harper Collins is the publisher.

P.S. Also, don’t forget, your wife and your other children. They are hurting over this situation too. They need their father. So, take time to listen to them and pray with them.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Sincerely,

Dr. B.

If you have a practical life-question you may email Dr. B. at: askdoctorb@drbuddyhicks.com. All questions become the property of Ask Dr. B and may be reproduced by permission only. Ask Dr. B is not intended as a replacement for professional, therapeutic counseling.